Connection is not just a path to eudaimonia, it is a prerequisite of eudaimonia. To be bound to someone or something; to know and be known by another; to feel congruent with one’s environment; to be aware and accept oneself. Connection satisfies our need to know and be known for who we truly are and not what others want us to be. But to connect in an honest and transparent way requires mindfulness, courage, and tolerance to persevere through confusion and fear.
Confusion and Fear
As a result of the tension that exists between the self and others, between internal impulses and social norms, between perception and reality, it can feel like we are divided selves. This division of self is confusing: What do I want vs. what do others want? Who am I vs. who do others want me to be? Do I seek to satisfy my base human needs, wants, desires, impulses, and drives or do I strive to act in a socially appropriate manner? How do I balance my primitive drives with the needs of others and/or the norms and values of society? Can I even trust what are really my desires or are they just other people’s desires that I have unknowingly internalized as my own? Are my immediate desires ones that will bring me what I truly want?
Cultivating connection requires us to confront our confusion and the fear of being vulnerable – open to being “wounded”. And who wants that? What if I am not accepted or appreciated for who I am? What if the authentic “me” is unliked, unlovable, or offensive? Wouldn’t I be better served to arm myself, to keep others at bay or pursue mastery of my emotions and desires, to be in control of myself and my situation to avoid being hurt or rejected?
As a result of the confusion and fear, most of us play small, and try to protect ourselves by doing the best we can to get what we want, with the tools we have and within the constraints of society’s rules and norms. The problem with this is, it just doesn’t feel complete. It doesn’t feel satisfying. It doesn’t feel meaningful. It keeps us separate from one another. It keeps us separate from ourselves. So what are we supposed to do? How do we navigate through the confusion and proceed bravely to authentically connect with ourselves and others?
Mindfulness, Courage, and Tolerance
Connection requires a continual commitment to navigate our confusion and discern our authentic selves, moment by moment. Through the cultivation of mindfulness, the non-judgemental awareness of the present moment, we can begin to notice the feelings and emotions behind our habituated responses and the thoughts behind the thinking. Through the commitment and habit of mindfulness, we can increase our consciousness of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
To act in accordance with our authentic selves requires courage. As humans, we are all imperfect beings with our own struggles, neurosis, blind spots, and shadow self. To connect with ourselves and others requires that we accept all aspects of ourselves (and others), to be tolerant of difficult feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions that stem from our unconscious. Counterintuitively, when we give our feelings and emotions room to breathe (instead of avoiding or minimizing them) we find that they are not overwhelming and that when shared, they have the power to connect and empower us. It is true that to be vulnerable opens us up to great sorrow; but the strength and joy that comes from authentic connection serves to counteract the pain and strengthen the courageous. We are all imperfect beings and long to feel connected.
As we courageously act in a way that is congruent with our authentic selves, our desires and emotions we will inevitably be challenged by other people’s courageous action. As we tolerate ourselves, so to must we tolerate others and seek balance between what we want and what others want. This does not mean we minimize our desires or that we act in ways that are in opposition to our values. Rather, it requires authentic communication with a spirit of generosity and tolerance towards others. We all have different genes, brain chemistry, experiences, and pressures that impact our decisions, behaviors, strengths, weaknesses, and desires.