Author: admin

Connection is not just a path to eudaimonia, it is a prerequisite of eudaimonia.  To be bound to someone or something; to know and be known by another; to feel congruent with one’s environment; to be aware and accept oneself.  Connection satisfies our need to know and be known for who we truly are and not what others want us to be. But to connect in an honest and transparent way requires mindfulness, courage, and tolerance to persevere through confusion and fear.

Confusion and Fear

As a result of the tension that exists between the self and others, between internal impulses and social norms, between perception and reality, it can feel like we are divided selves.  This division of self is confusing: What do I want vs. what do others want? Who am I vs. who do others want me to be? Do I seek to satisfy my base human needs, wants, desires, impulses, and drives or do I strive to act in a socially appropriate manner?   How do I balance my primitive drives with the needs of others and/or the norms and values of society? Can I even trust what are really my desires or are they just other people’s desires that I have unknowingly internalized as my own? Are my immediate desires ones that will bring me what I truly want?

Cultivating connection requires us to confront our confusion and the fear of being vulnerable – open to being “wounded”. And who wants that?  What if I am not accepted or appreciated for who I am? What if the authentic “me” is unliked, unlovable, or offensive? Wouldn’t I be better served to arm myself, to keep others at bay or pursue mastery of my emotions and desires, to be in control of myself and my situation to avoid being hurt or rejected?

As a result of the confusion and fear, most of us play small, and try to protect ourselves by doing the best we can to get what we want, with the tools we have and within the constraints of society’s rules and norms.  The problem with this is, it just doesn’t feel complete. It doesn’t feel satisfying. It doesn’t feel meaningful. It keeps us separate from one another. It keeps us separate from ourselves. So what are we supposed to do?   How do we navigate through the confusion and proceed bravely to authentically connect with ourselves and others?

Mindfulness, Courage, and Tolerance

Connection requires a continual commitment to navigate our confusion and discern our authentic selves, moment by moment.  Through the cultivation of mindfulness, the non-judgemental awareness of the present moment, we can begin to notice the feelings and emotions behind our habituated responses and the thoughts behind the thinking.  Through the commitment and habit of mindfulness, we can increase our consciousness of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

To act in accordance with our authentic selves requires courage. As humans, we are all imperfect beings with our own struggles, neurosis, blind spots, and shadow self.  To connect with ourselves and others requires that we accept all aspects of ourselves (and others), to be tolerant of difficult feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions that stem from our unconscious. Counterintuitively, when we give our feelings and emotions room to breathe (instead of avoiding or minimizing them) we find that they are not overwhelming and that when shared, they have the power to connect and empower us.   It is true that to be vulnerable opens us up to great sorrow; but the strength and joy that comes from authentic connection serves to counteract the pain and strengthen the courageous. We are all imperfect beings and long to feel connected.

As we courageously act in a way that is congruent with our authentic selves, our desires and emotions we will inevitably be challenged by other people’s courageous action.  As we tolerate ourselves, so to must we tolerate others and seek balance between what we want and what others want. This does not mean we minimize our desires or that we act in ways that are in opposition to our values.  Rather, it requires authentic communication with a spirit of generosity and tolerance towards others. We all have different genes, brain chemistry, experiences, and pressures that impact our decisions, behaviors, strengths, weaknesses, and desires.

“Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions and psychic stress. We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may be few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” —Viktor Frankl

Man’s Search for Meaning, Dr. Viktor Frankl’s psychological narrative of life in a concentration camp and the lessons he learned, is both horrifying and inspiring.  In the 1930’s, as Hitler and the Nazi’s came to power in Germany, Frankl was working as a psychiatrist in Vienna, Austria. But while Frankl’s personal and professional career was progressing, so too was anti-semitism and the Nazi’s. In 1942, while Frankl was chief of neurology at a hospital in Vienna, Austria, he, along with his pregnant wife, mother, and father were interned in a Nazi concentration camp.  Dr. Frankl was the only member of his family to survive.

From his personal experience and observations of others while interned, Frankl developed a psychological perspective he termed logotherapy.  Logos is a Greek word that Frankl likened to “meaning.” According to logotherapy, “find[ing] meaning to one’s life is the primary motivational force in man.” Even in the bleakest of circumstances, living in a concentration camp, Frankl found that if a person had a why to live he could bear cruelty, uncertainty, and injustice because even suffering bravely could provide meaning.  By accepting unavoidable suffering as a personal challenge, “even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by doing so change himself.”

While reading, Man’s Search for Meaning, I was challenged to consider whether I could find meaning in suffering. While I may not be interned by Nazi’s, could I suffer bravely if I had a terminal illness or had tragedy befall my family?  In asking this question, I was reminded of Dr. Paul Kalanithi’s memoir, When Breath Becomes Air.  Dr. Kalanithi was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer at age 36 just as he was finishing his residency as a neurosurgeon. As the future he, “had imagined, the culmination of decades of striving, evaporated” Dr. Kalanithi faced his impeding death with poise and integrity. With the perspective of someone who had spent years confronting human mortality he writes, “…death always wins. Even if you are perfect, the world isn’t. The secret is to know that the deck is stacked, that you will lose, that your hands or judgement will slip, and yet still struggle to win for your patients. You can never reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote towards which you are ceaselessly striving.” Although he writes from the perspective of a doctor, Dr. Kalanithi’s words sound true to me.  Although we do not often think about it until we are confronted with it, the basic contract with life is that it will end in death. And in the face of death we must strive to improve and to struggle for a cause beyond ourselves.

Dr. Kalanithi’s words echo those of Dr. Frankl.  So, knowing that the deck is stacked, how might Dr. Frankl counsel to live a meaningful life?

• First, the purpose of life is not to satisfy our human drives and instincts, adapt to society, or appropriately mediate between our different desires (id, ego, superego) but to find meaning.  “According to logotherapy, we can discover meaning in life in three ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering.”

• Second, in each and every moment of our lives we are responsible for how we respond to life. The meaning of life is not some abstract concept created by an individual’s expectations of the way life should be; rather it is life on a moment to moment basis that is questioning each individual.  Meaning is found, “not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

• Third, by shifting the focus away from the self and towards someone or something (a cause, a creation) a person is able to transcend the self.  It is only as a by-product of self-transcendence that an individual is able to experience self-actualization or meaningful pleasure. The more one makes self-actualization or pleasure the meaning of life, the more one will miss it.

Ultimately, the message Frankl’s conveys in Man’s Search for Meaning is hopeful.  That despite our natural abilities and circumstances, each of us have agency to determine, “At any moment…for better or worse, what will be the monument of his [or her] existence.”

On the drive home from running a half-marathon my daughter asked me, “Dad, did you have fun?”  I thought for a moment. Did I have fun pushing myself up steep hills or enjoy the feeling of muscle soreness as repeated to myself, “don’t stop, keep moving forward, whatever you do just keep moving forward”?  I responded to her, “No, it wasn’t fun; it was satisfying.” I felt that internal sense of a job well-done that comes from identifying a goal, creating a plan to achieve the goal, and executing the plan. Perhaps the internal feeling I had typifies the difference between fun vs. and satisfaction; between a desire to feel pleasure and a desire to feel fulfilled; between seeking happiness and seeking personal growth.

In western thought, the debate over what constitutes a good life dates back 2,500 years to the ancient Greeks.  On one side you have Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. While they disagreed over how to achieve eudaimonia they did agree that a life well lived includes a focus on maximizing our human potential and virtuous action such as courage, self-control, wisdom, and justice.  On the other hand, hedonists such as Aristippus and Epicurus believed that pleasure is the only thing that people truly value and so taught that the goal of life was to maximize personal pleasure.

Today, the maximization of personal happiness is the dominant paradigm of western society.  We are reminded that we need to look good to feel good; we envy the people who have figured out how to live the four-hour work week; we want the quick hacks to success; we feel like we risk irrelevance or isolation if we do not have the latest technology.  Even well meaning advice to follow your passion rings hollow without the reality that following your passion requires sacrifice, failure, persistence, uncertainty, and hard work.

It is not that the feeling of happiness should be avoided.  It is just that when we chase happiness we may find ourselves feeling disappointed and farther from happiness.  The paradox of the singular quest for happiness is that it can leave us feeling anxious, worn-out, and dissatisfied.  

Eudaimonia is a Greek word which, is often translated as happiness.  But when Plato and Aristotle argued over the how to achieve eudaimonia, they were not referring to the attainment of pleasure (and avoidance of pain).  Rather, they were discussing how to live a life of meaning, purpose, and physical and mental well-being.  Therefore, as others have written, a more complete translation of the word eudiamonia is fulfillment or human flourishing.  

Far from being an esoteric discussion between ancient philosophers, I believe the debate and exploration of eudiamonia is one that we all can (and should) engage.  I believe we can all begin the exploration by considering the following three questions:

1. What does a life of fulfillment and flourishing consist of?
2. What characteristics lead to fulfillment and a flourishing life?
3. How to do I consistently employ the characteristics that lead to flourishing and fulfillment?

The purpose of this blog is to serve as a forcing function for me to explore, capture, reflect, and synthesize my thoughts, values, and ideas as they relate well-being. While I hope some of the posts do positively impact others and the world, ultimately, I want this blog to:

• support my learning and growth;
• encourage me to explore and catalogue ideas, research, and practices that contribute to well-being;
• implement and reflect on practices and characteristics that contribute to a life of fulfillment and human flourishing;
• consider how I can help others live a life of fulfillment and human flourishing.